Reliving the lie
by Gothicruby
Summary: She'd said there'd be a baby, she said there'd be five of them, but when she said It's Mum's, she lied. For the first time, she lied to her Doctor...
1. The lie

**Not the best time to realize...**

_**Bad wolf bay -- Norway--- Rose's POV**___

"You're not?..."  
his voice trails off as his eyes widen, what could I have said? Five of us; there's going to be five of us soon, but how could I have possibly told him where...I mean if he wasn't going to...I clasp my hands to my stomach, look down and shake my head, reflexive laughs coming out of my mouth, and I can't believe what I say next

"No, no...it's mum's..." How could I have said that? But, if he thought it wasn't his then...I'd have been protecting him right? If he couldn't have come back? "Three months along..."

Three months, that's what I'd told him...those three months, after he left, those months passed on and on and on...three turned into four...eight...nine...and then...

**Then He Woke up...---Tardis, Doctor's POV**

Something's calling me...I can't understand it; what is it? My link, that telepathic link I'd had to my people; it's acting up, calling to me...but why?

There's no-one left!

The timelords died out in war, years ago! They were murdered, along with the Daleks, and that was it.

But why does it continue to plague me? It's not like I'm imagining it, is it? No...no it's too strong for an imagination to withhold; although...being alone...madness can take one...but still, it feels just so real!  
It's calling to me, sending me a message...no...no it couldn't be!   
_"...dad..."_

Dad?! Dad, why would I get a message 'dad'?

Alright; I know I was a dad once...oh how she bore my wonderful granddaughter...But they must be long gone by now!

It's impossible...The only person I--...no...

...no...

"Rose?..."

she said there was going to be five of them...but...I never dared hope...I mean, I knew that it was possible but...she said it was her mother's...she said...

...she lied...

Why?

Why would she do that? Why would she lie to me?  
Was it because she knew she'd never see me again?...  
Was it because it frightened her? To bear my child with me knowing an entire universe away?...

She's had my baby...I can feel it...and you know what?  
I've never felt so stuck.

I'm the Doctor! I know everything don't I?  
Well whoever said that should get a kick where it hurts beacause this proves I don't!  
I have a baby out there, an entire universe away! And I can't possibly follow!  
If...if I did, with my current knowlege then an entire world will just collapse on itself!  
But if I don't, I'll be forever plauged by that signal, and I don't know if I could go on living my involontary lifestyle!

She'd know what to do...Rose...she'd know exactly what to do...or atleast how to talk me through it...

Rose Tyler...more than just my friend...she was my rock, my emotional rock...hell she was even more than that! More than a friend, more than a soul mate!  
And yet; she was still nineteen years old at the time...  
Oh what have I done to her? What have I done to the...girl or boy I suppose...  
How do we live like this?  
When all we know, is forbidden to us?...  
­

...and as he thought this, he never conciously saw himself follow the link to the harmless crack of space and time...


	2. The crash

**How can you not notice?**

How can you not notice the disturbance in the peaceful atmosphere?

How can you not notice the hiccups of the usually smooth journey?

How can you not notice the intense heat building up around you?

How can you not notice it?

And somehow; he'd only noticed at the very last second. He couldn't remember much;  
Only running towards the main console of his precious Tardis,  
Only crying out when his hand met with the burning copper like metal of the control panel,  
Only crashing hard on the floor as the sickening feeling of descent reached his body,  
He only remembered one thing after that...darkness...

**Doctor's POV**

Owww...I swear in all the years of managing travel of time and space; I've never felt anything as intense as that hit!  
What was that anyway? One minute I'm musing to myself and the next...whoosh!! I'm being burned and thrown about in the time stream by my own Tardis!  
I wander over to the machine's main console, warilly placing my hand upon the copper; cool now, no more burning heat it seems, good, maybe I can get myself back up into time stream. I press a few buttons...  
...And now, said machine won't respond to me...argh! The system's got to reboot...  
I don't know...such advanced technology, yet it takes longer to power up than the old 1970's computer systems.  
But then again...it wasn't built, it was grown...I have to remember that...

Where am I anyway?  
It can't hurt to take a look, now can it?...

As I step outside, the cold air immediately hits me! It's freezing!  
Brightly coloured decorations surround the place in a mix of green, red, golden, white and blue clinging to the outside of buildings...Christmas, it's Christmas again. Christmas in London so it seems...in a too familiar spot...

I remember this spot...why am I here?  
The place I used to meet her from, every day nearly...Rose...oh Rose, what's brought me to this spot? And why? You're not--is that a zepheline?!  
It can't be, it shouldn't be but it is! Oh my god, it is!  
This is impossible!  
There are no zephelines in the middle of London! There aren't any in the UK in general actually!

I can't believe it...I'm...where Rose is, that alternate dimension...but god...shouldn't the universe implode now?! Or did I make that up?...To mask the pain I was feeling...the fear of permanently losing her?...

I sigh, shaking my head. Can't get back until the Tardis reboots, god knows how long that'll take...

_"Dad."_

What? 

_"Dad." _

That link...that feeling, it's so strong now!

_"Dad." _

So strong, so painful...so unsettling...

_"Dad find me." _

Is this what brought me here?  
Is this what's prolonging the Tardis' booting system?  
Is this...is this what the face of Boe meant?..."you are not alone."  
Or is this my own hopes rising up, only to be shattered once more?

_"Dad. Come to me. Find me." _

Oh it's so strong now...so needy...

_"Dad you can't leave yet. Find me. Find her. Dad."  
_  
Does my child know how much this hurts? How painful in longing this feels? 

"_Dad. Daddy." _

"I'm coming." it hurts to be alone.

It hurts me...

I can feel it hurts you too...

I'm coming. I'm here. You won't be alone for long, I promise.

Just as he made this promise to himself, to them both, the sound of a glass smashing behind him could be heard.

The skinny man whirled around, and what he came face to face with was what looking into a variated mirror must have been like.

He opened his mouth to speak, but the child spoke first

"I've been calling you."


	3. The boy

**Who are you?  
**

"What?" he stared, amazed and fascinated. Likewise, a pair of deep, emerald green eyes stared back at him, wide, yet barely curious so it seemed to those paying close attention.

"I've been calling you for about ten minutes now," the boy spoke with a northern accent; Liverpool perhaps? Or Widnes? Somewhere from around that area the Doctor guessed "You've been standing there, just..." he shook his head, wrinkling his brow as if thinking what to say "...Zoned out!"

The Doctor couldn't help but stare at him "Sorry...what?..." he couldn't help it, that mannerism this possible pre-adolesent child just used; it was so familiar...

The currently nameless boy sighed and rolled his eyes in yet another familiar gesture, but after a breif minute, an almost playful grin was maneuvering itself onto his youthful face, but if you looked hard enough, you could probably catch the most subtle tones of knowing...

"I get it. Come from my gran's pub?"

"Your gran?..." the Doctor repeated; as if he were dazed or something, but he quickly recomposed himself with a quick clearing of the throat "Uhh, sorry. Not exactly from around here. Your gran?"

"Ya know, as in grandmother?"

"yes I know that," _'God almighty this is like having a conversation with...well myself!'_ the doctor blinked at that slightly exhasperated thought, his brown eyes narrowing slightly in curiosity; flickering with a touch of nervousness "Wait...what's your grandmother's name?..I...might actually know the pub..." his tone was slow, and cautious as he selected his words.

"Jackie Tyler. Wonderful woman, only girl over forty to actually run a pub!" the boy grinned, and that's when the Doctor actually realized; it sounded so familiar, because he felt that he was almost being mimicked.

"Jackie Tyler..." the elder repeated in a mumble, mind wandering briefly in rememberence 'The only mother to ever slap me out of love for her daughter,' a small smile curled on his lips as he thought that, "What was your name...again...?" too late. That boy was gone; like a wisp of wind in the chill of the night. That was it; he was just gone. Not a 'goodbye' or footprint of any sorts, just vanished. "Well...now I know how people feel when I answer 'the Doctor'..." But he knew he shouldn't panic, as through the link, he felt soothing vibes

_"I'm safe dad. Come find me. I found you. Come get me. Doctor, dad, come to me." _


	4. The pub

**Of loss, pubs and memories..**

_Note: Sorry for the LOOOONNNNGGG period of not updating; I had the idea, just couldn't think how to write it...Anyway; thanks for EVERYONE who reviewed, and I mean that from the heart, heh, anyway; here we go, if it sucks, no refunds. _

"I can't believe it...I just can't believe it!" he stood there gawking at the building infront of him "She actually **has** a pub!" he laughed slightly in delighted amazement, shaking his head as he sauntered in casually "I've gotta see this...a pub!"

Well it was busy to say the least: crowded within a smoky atmosphere were people wandered from table to bar and back again. The club music's blissfully happy melody swept the entire distance of the fairly wide room; a currently unused yet shining and refurbished stage resolved in the back.

"must be for kareoke or something," the Doctor mumbled to himself, padding in for a better look around, nearly crashing into a heftier, more bulked up civillian carrying two glasses of Guiness beer

"Blimey, does she **need** it any busier?" he muttered, deciding upon a quiet little table in the back to sit and examine his surroundings better.

The Doctor sighed as he sat and relaxed on the small little chair, resting his arms on the table and in turn, his head in his arms with his eyes closed. He needed to think, to absorb it all before he did anything else "Ok...so far, I've been burned by the Tardis, stranded in a place that is supposed to be blowing up along with the rest of the universe right now, talked to a weird little boy and nearly drenched myself in beer..." he sighed "Yep; sounds like an average day for me." he rolled his eyes, musing upon the countless memories that had even atleast a semi-similar surrounding to this one, though, as much as he tried to think of them as a whole, all he could really concentrate on was _her_, her blonde hair so smooth and often wind-blown, the weight of a girl who actually seemed real rather than as thin as a model, and the smell of the perfume on her jacket...the jacket he'd kept after just that one night...that one night they truly connected emotionally but most of all physically...

He shook his head again with a shaky breath "well...atleast I can say I know where the little straggler on the link came from..." he coughed slightly to distract himself "kid must've used up massive amounts of energy to reach me where I was," he blinked, breathing deeply to surpress the emotions he needed to when in a public place before sighing again, "This is a mistake...What am I doing here? I shouldn't be here...I shouldn't even be within ten feet of here!"

As he stood, he heard an all too familiar voice cry out happilly

"Rose! You're home sweetheart!"

It was at that moment, the Doctor's two hearts nearly stopped...

_tbc..._


	5. The headache

**Headaches and Frying pans**

The Doctor's eyes widened as his entire body froze

"Rose! You're home sweetheart!"

He knew that voice, and if he knew the voice, then that could only one thing; he knew the girl the voice cried out to. The Doctor stepped backwards, it was all he could do! Step backwards and stare at her...

His blonde angel of his dreams; she was older now, not by much, but old enough to work ofcourse. He could tell she was working by the suit she was wearing; smart, sophisticated, Torchwood non the less.

She sat down heavilly in her seat, eyeing the place slightly; oh no! He wasn't prepared; he wasn't anywhere **near** prepared for him to see him. See him. She'd see him, if she saw him she'd cry, she'd cry, scream and probably kill him for leaving her; who could blame her? If she saw him then Jackie...

his hand instinctively went to his cheek; Jackie'd to more than just slap him this time...

Only one thought entered his mind, a thought mostly reserved for the most desperate of dangers: Run!

He clumsilly yet hurriedly ran; anywhere, not out of the pub, but through a little door that if he'd had the time, he would've read the sign painted** "Staff Only" **on it. His movements obviously hadn't gone undetected as he felt someone following him down the narrow hallway, footsteps as loud as his own echoed behind him.

He couldn't be caught; he wasn't ready! A sharp turn to the left led him down yet another corridor but to a dead-end unfortunately; a little room framed by wooden benches and hooks, a little room with benches where an appropriately little boy was currently napping, an all too familiar little boy...

"Er! What you doing?!" a voice screetched from the door, causing him to whirl around and freeze as his entire body stiffened...

"Rose..." he whispered, staring at her.

The blonde met his stare, her brown eyes wide and glassy looking, as her muscles relaxed from dangerous to helpless, she let out an equal sounding whisper

"Doctor..." it wasn't so much a whisper as a quietly surprised gasp with it's shock just calmly breathed, rather then sharply let out.

The two stood there; staring at eachother with floods of emotion inwardly crashing down on them; neither knew what to say or do...an awkward silence lingered and thickened the air around them.

A crash from behind the Doctor immediately brought Rose to attention "Aiden!" she gasped moreso, running to the boy behind him; he must've rolled over and fallen off the bench as now he was currently residing on the floor, closed eyes flickering unnatturally for a boy in that position.

In turn, the Doctor flinched at a strong, stabbing thought in his head

_"Dad, dad you can't leave, you're here, dad, dad, dad..."_

It was the link, the thought pulsated stabbed and drummed violently through his brain, through his minds-eye. The pain of one timelord was usually shared by another; but it was only in the cases of biological relations!

The Doctor couldn't help scream out as his hand went to his head, knees buckling beneath him; white hot flashes of pain just added to his pounding eardrums; it didn't help that the boy, Aiden, was repeating these words, mumbling them in his supposed sleep.

"Doctor?!" Rose suddenly cried out over his screaming, cradling Aiden on her lap, she was about to say more when:

**WHAAACKKK!!! **

went Jackie Tyler's frying pan over the poor Doctor's head

"**MUM**!!"

"Well he was havin' a fit!"

_tbc..._


	6. Analysis on maturity

**Mature analysis. **

Nineteen years. Was that old?

Was it?

In human standards, what really was considered the 'coming of age' time for a girl? The time for her to be 'grown up'? s

Was it when she was old enough to understand proper cussing and swearing in a public school at...what?...Age 8? Older perhaps, or painfully younger?

Or was it when sexual nature became a vulgar hillarity? A horrible, annoying and sickening joke; imagine--someone laughing their head off at not losing one's virginity at the age of 11 via horrible actions, notions and jokes in a public playground. Or worse, contradicting and mocking a young one's desire to "Hold out" until they met the right person. Or how about for those enveloped in fiction? Writing about the uncharacteristic enjoyment of a girl having her skirt lifted, being teased with cruel comments or actions of stripping. Was that fair? Free will considered, was it right? Was it...natural? Or just a masked jumble of primitive instincts, not long forgotten; just evolved?

So many pointless words could be used to describe and analyze such a thing;

Disgusting.

Cruel.

Sickening.

Human.

Yes...that had to be the clincher; human.

The jokes and analogies they made. Just got worse really as time went on; more off-putting really.

And he knew it; he'd seen it, the Doctor had.

So many races and cultures he'd visited...non had been as vulgar and as pitiful as the human race when it came to such matters.

Yet...he saved them...repeatedly...

And all for her when she'd been around; his blonde savior.

He remembered her innocence. Alright, he suspected most had been lost; she'd had a _boyfriend_ when he met her for Chrissakes...

But...nothing really. No horrible remarks or vulgar sentiments.

And he knew why; he recognized the tiniest little glance out of the corner of a glassy brown eye...

or a prolonged stare scortching into the back of his neck when he turned around, pink, young lips curling into a small smile of innocent longing. Not for the sex, no...for love...

He recognized the signs, and secretly, he'd ached for the chance to return them.

Oh that night...how could he possibly forget that night?

Just laying there on the grass, the moon just casting it's pure, white, crisp glow down upon them as they sat together atop a hill away from the newly saved town--fireworks blazed on over head.

Ironic...London...2012...

Her home town; not some cheaply erotic and rather cliche fantasy of a world where only sexual intercourse prevailed.

No...no much simpler, much purer...

He'd known she was too young, barely a child compared to him.

But she was old enough, and he'd sensed it...her leaving him.

Oh how he tried to ignore it...but that night, that one night; under the sparkling fireworks in the midst of televised olympics. He wondered; had he ignored it, would he have gone insane by now?...

He could only guess. But what was more likely to drive him mad was remembering; how clear it was...

He remembered every action that sparked deeper emotion, every word that confirmed how they both felt...

Lord knows how many nights he spent genuinely sobbing over it; privately, in the dark ofcourse.

It was all just so real when he awoke from the torterous dreams and relics of rememberence of it. Too much to take, even for a master of time and space like himself.

A mutter and groan escaped his formerly unconcious form as he registered a pit-load of physical discomforts:

The residual searing pain in his head tore through him, it was almost as bad as a crooked strike to one of his hearts.

Another groan as it passed; leaving just a dull ache of pain, but he could deal with it given time.

Just like everything else really...

"Doctor?"

A heavenly voice, in his opinion, was calling him.

But for some stupid reason he couldn't bring himself to register it properly

"wh-wha...?"

His speech slurred as his glazed over, oak brown eyes fuzzed and blurred before him.

"Rose?..." the image before him was vaguely blonde, and the voice just seemed so real...too real...

For the first time, he actually was inwardly begging whatever higher powers from whatever galaxy or random universe to please, please not let this be a sick form of torture; a vague hallucination induced by forced cryogenic sleep, for example.

"Doctor, is...is it?..."

Obviously the girl was as hesitant as he felt.

His brow furrowed as he started to properly come around.

Girl...no...no she wasn't a girl. She hadn't been a girl since she met him.

Right of passage was different for everyone...Rose Tyler had become a woman when she saw the earth's sun explode in the drastically distant future...the first time she really understood just how insignificant everything she knew was; when she came to terms with the fact that there was more out there than she could ever dream to hope for.

All those years...all that experience...compressed before him in the form of a young woman.

Astounding, he thought.

As soon as his senses cleared he immediately sat upright; deep, emotional and ever-thoughtful eyes just boreing into her own; burrowing deep into her very soul once more.

Inwardly she gulped, returning the look...that look of hope she used to give...but, it was different.

Her head turned ever so slightly, no more than a millionth of an inch, but it was enough for him to recognize how mature that look was now.

Her eyes held a mask of experience, her gaze narrowed ever so slightly.

Motherhood...it obviously brought out the maturity in her he could only assume.

He recognized she was older. Not by outward looks, but by pure, simple reaction.

His gulp was more noticable.

"The boy..." he started in as strong yet gentle a voice he could manage,

"My son," she gently corrected; tears of inner pain pooling in the corners of her eyes.

They only appeared because she knew the upcoming conversation...the fact she'd hoped would remain a secret.

"My son," he didn't state as much as repeat...mimck truth be told; but not in a hateful or overly confused way. Just his usual, general, stating way. "My son,"

A nod and a breath, his eyes spoke the words he didn't have to say aloud "Why did you lie to me?"

But he didn't think it fair to keep the question to himself.

_tbc..._


	7. The shadow of her inner child

**A child is merely the shadow of an adult at the worst of times**.

He knew it wasn't fair.

He knew it was complicated.

He knew it'd spark so many emotional reactions, but he knew it wasn't uncalled for.

He wanted--nay, he needed an answer to his question.

"Why did you lie to me?" he repeated; slower, slightly more forceful.

Rose showed almost no emotion apart from a tilt of the head accompannied with her lips tugging sadly to the side of her mouth.

A slow, simple shake of the head was his response.

The Doctor sucked in a partially deep breath; inward and silent ofcourse.

He never took his eyes off her, almost as if he feared her dissappearing again.

"Rose, please...formalities aside for the moment. I need an answer,"

"Why?" she asked, immediate and almost forceful. It would have been had her voice not been on the brink of cracking, however. Swallowing again, she straightened up, looking at him once more with wet eyes; her gaze was clear and the tears just accented that.

The Doctor couldn't help but notice how much wisdom resided in those eyes...how much she must have felt after all she'd seen. They'd darkened, and she didn't need to be protected from the cruelness of the world. Her gaze just showed that she'd been through it all, as far as she was concerned.

"What difference would it have made?" she almost demanded "Would you-would you have stayed if I hadn't of lied?"

"You know I couldn't--"

"Exactly." a ragged, prolonged breath as her hands met to furiously swipe at her ever dampening eyes "You couldn't. So I didn't force..." she coughed slightly as she forced herself to keep it all back once more.

Oak eyes narrowed, for the first time during this conversation, at her;

"All the same, Rose Tyler; If I had a genetic offspring a...a baby!" he struggled with the word, almost spitting it out as if it where a spiked drink with an all too familiar drugged flavouring to it "If I had a baby out there, no matter just how far, I _think_ I should have the right to know about it!"

"But all the same, what difference?" the woman antagonized as she started veering away from him ever so slightly, "Would-would you have suddenly decided _"Oh well look at that, there's a very convinient loop-hole I can use to jump through!" _or..." she paused to bat slightly more furiously at her tears, composing herself little by little "Or would it have just scared you off completely? Would it just have reinstated how-how impossible the situation was?"

In that instant, the Doctor could have sworn he saw a glimmer of Jackie Tyler in the mother of his apparrent offspring.

He was neutral. Equilibrium. Unemotional.

That was what his constant mask presented atleast; the usual outfit of lowered eyelids accompanied by the dressings of a slightly upturned chin. His accessories were his aged and judgemental eyes. Eyes that could spoke a million drabbles of one topic at once--he'd always thought it fair to flash atleast a spot of a naked clue...drive them wild with trying to piece it all together for themselves. Never worked. Not their fault; he just wasn't a looker...he always had to explain it...

"I..." a silent yet deep sigh

3...2...1...eyes closed, then opened so slowly, reflecting seemingly nothing "I'd have said what I always said."

"Impossible," Rose's voice, as she answered the un-asked question from her part, descended to a half-whisper ; dampened as dark internal wounds re-opened.

"I'm sorry," he sighed as he repeated the line. How stale it was becoming...but staleness could never take away how true it was.

Rose's nose wrinkled deeply as his voice brushed into her ears, if she were a lioness she'd have tried to rip his throat out already--that's what her primitive instincts informed her anyway. His emotionless voice...his outward lack of compassion for the child...it burned...it seared...it scortched...

Another sniffle and staggered breath as tears resumed their inevitable course.

It hurt.

"yeah...you always are."

"It's not my fault!" his voice was suddenly much more forceful as he sat fully upright, leaning in and shaking with un-registered emotion,

"I know..."

The contrast in her voice to how his had been shook him back down to her level immediately. How could a hurt whisper fight fairly against a hurt shout?

Truth be told; it couldn't.

"Oh Rose..."

"Don't," she gasped in through her silent sobs; gently holding back his approach of hugging her "Please,"

the pleading in her eyes was matched equally,

"Rose, please..." she could see tears of hurt pooling in his own eyes, threatening to shatter the glass of his irises and spill over at any moment "You don't know...oh how stupid, surely you must; I need to...to hold you...to just...just know you're actually here and real,"

"No..." she sobbed in a whisper; clearly and without hesitation.

He just stared,

"Not now...hurts too much," she begged,

"I...I'm sorry I don't--"

"You're too magnificent Doctor; you're-you're an entity to the world, a-a mystery of life. A star in your own right..." as she spoke a haunted smile of rememberence seemed to creep back onto her lips, tugging the corners involintarilly as per the works of a metaphorical mischevious sprite "So magnificent...so free; free-er than the wildest solar flair of the brightest sun," the smile lingered for a minute as she looked him directly in the eye "I can't bring you down to a domesticated level, never wanted to...ever..." it soon faded from her features "I love you...enough-enough to be kind, to-to be civil to a rare spirit like you...to-to know how not to get hurt by your amazing grace." And the sobs flowed out more openely, more erradicately...more Rose-ish...

He just stared, what could he say?

His love lamenting to him, but rejecting him despite herself...?

What Rose was this?...Where was the simplicity in her nature?...Where was the squeal of 'Doctor' followed by a bone-crushing hug?...

"Rose..." he choked, tears flowing freely--the ultimate sign of his trust.

She shook her head "I...I'm Sorry..."

And a wail pierced the silence as she ran.

And even admidst the familiar company of people...even admidst what could be considered over-populated civilization...

The Doctor was alone...

_tbc _


End file.
